Extract of Assertiveness for Young Adults

Contents

About the Course
Teacher's Notes
Introduction
Lesson 1 What is Assertiveness?
Teacher Sheet: Information on Assertiveness
Lesson 2: Non-Assertion or Passivity
Teacher Sheet: Possible Reasons for Non-Assertion
Teacher Information Sheet: The Development of Self
Lesson 3: Good Communication and Asking for What You Want
Practise Sheet 1: Asking for What You Want
Teacher Practise Sheet 1: Asking for What You Want
Lesson 4: Communicating Feelings
Teacher Sheet: Communicating Feelings
Practise Sheet 2: Communicating Feelings
Teacher Practise Sheet 2: Communicating Feelings
Lesson 5: Resolving Conflict and Negotiation
Practise Sheet 3: Resolving Conflict and Negotiation
Teacher Practise Sheet 3: Resolving Conflict and Negotiation
Lesson 6: Self-Esteem
Handout: Self-Esteem
Lesson 7: Your Rights
Handout: My Rights
Teacher Sheet: Rights
Lesson 8: Body Language
Handout: Body Language
Teacher Sheet: Body Language
Lesson 9: Feedback
Practise Sheet 4: Feedback
Teacher Practise Sheet 4: Feedback
Lesson 10: Saying, 'No'
Practise Sheet 5: Saying, 'No'
Teacher Practise Sheet 5: Saying, 'No'
Lesson 11: Receiving Criticism and Defending Yourself
Practise Sheet 6: Receiving Criticism
Teacher Practise Sheet 6: Receiving Criticism
Practise Sheet 7: Defending Yourself
Teacher Practise Sheet 7: Defending Yourself
Lesson 12: Put-Downs
Practise Sheet 8: Racial Put-Downs
Teacher Practise Sheet 8: Racial Put-Downs
Practise Sheet 9a: Gender Put-Downs (Female)
Teacher Practise Sheet 9a: Gender Put-Downs (Female)
Practise Sheet 9b: Gender Put-Downs (Male)
Teacher Practise Sheet 9b: Gender Put-Downs (Male)
Lesson 13: Giving Criticism
Practise Sheet 10: Giving Criticism
Teacher Practise Sheet 10: Giving Criticism
Lesson 14: Giving and Receiving Compliments
Practise Sheet 11: Giving Compliments
Teacher Practise Sheet 11: Giving Compliments
Practise Sheet 12: Receiving Compliments
Teacher Practise Sheet 12: Receiving Compliments
Handout
In Conclusion
Resources and Further Reading

About the Course
Assertiveness for Young Adults is intended for use with young adults aged sixteen plus: for students at schools and colleges, whether studying A-levels or pre-vocational courses; modern apprentices; students in further education; young adults at work or job seekers, or for use in evening classes with young people.

The course imparts an understanding of assertion, the benefits it can bring and how it can affect our lives so developing a deeper understanding of our relationships and facilitating more meaningful, open and honest communication. Assertiveness is an important life-skill that assists in home, school, social and professional situations. It allows dignity and self-fulfilment, teaching individuals how to stand up for themselves in a non-aggressive way, how to attain their rights and what their rights are. In this book, assertion is compared to non-assertion (or passivity) and aggression, to avoid confusion over what true assertion really is.

Whenever any form of social interaction takes place, whether at an educational establishment, work, home or leisure, good interpersonal skills are essential to communicate honestly, directly and effectively without resorting to inappropriate aggression.

Students involved in this course are asked to bring their own experiences, usually negative, to work on. This is meant to be a positive aid to protecting them in the future, to make them more effective as adults.

The course consists of fourteen progressive lessons, each intended to fill a time slot of about one hour. This may vary according to ability, responsiveness and how well the students express their feelings, experiences and goals in life. The lesson length is also dependent on the time it takes to get feedback from students' responses. In the teacher's notes it is shown how to shorten the lesson length and the course, if necessary.

Each lesson has practical tasks such as role-play; recalling unassertive situations and providing an assertive solution; thinking about life goals and who the student wants to be; thinking about the meaning of certain terms, giving examples to illustrate them and practise sheets to consolidate ideas introduced and to practise developing assertive responses.

All of the tasks may be done in class with the help of the teacher apart from the occasional tasks to put assertiveness into practice in real life.

Introduction
Many people do not recognise their own strengths or have learnt to act in certain ways as to belittle themselves or find it impossible to express emotions like anger or tenderness or lack the ability to express any emotion at all.

Desires are bottled up inside us from bowing to the wish of others, from not daring to say, 'No' and, as a consequence, we increasingly lose control over our own lives. This leads to stress, resentment, depression, fatigue, headaches and a range of other stress-related illnesses. Accepting the state of unassertiveness does not develop the self or reap the rewards the self deserves.

Psychologically, unassertive individuals have inhibitory personalities and they constantly excuse themselves for their passive behaviour or unemotional response. For example, 'Why bother with revision, I'm bound to fail anyway'. This lowers self-esteem and becomes a self-fulfilled prophecy. Or, 'If I don't do what my boyfriend asks, he'll not like me anymore or will be angry with me'.

Unassertive people are not clear in their goals of who they are or what they want - they lose their own identity through allowing others to control their lives, insult them or put them down. New learning is dampened because the unassertive person is afraid of moving forward, of changing a poor one-sided relationship by putting right what is not fair and they find it harder or even impossible to state how they feel about something or how they want it changed. This leads to a lack of personal growth and success, undeveloped relationships, mental anguish and draining physical symptoms.

The opposite of an inhibitory personality is an excitatory one in which the person does not fear their feelings and are assertive.

With assertiveness training you change your actions, attitudes and feelings about yourself. It teaches you how to communicate more meaningfully and thereby improving skills of relating to others and the world around you. You gain self-esteem, confidence and respect from self and others.

If you fail to stand up for your rights you have little freedom and may turn aggressive with inappropriate outbursts. Assertiveness training teaches productive negotiation, promotes personal development and helps improve the quality of your relationships. It teaches you to control yourself and not to let others control you.

Lesson 7 Your Rights
If you do not recognise your rights and stand up for them other people define your role for you (how you should behave as a wife/husband, mother/father, girlfriend/boyfriend etc.) and you stop being yourself. They imprint their own desires on how they expect you to behave in certain situations, what you should do, when you should do it, and how you should do it. People have trouble when they are unsure of their rights of have an incorrect idea. Others have trouble because they do not know how to stand up for their rights.

Sometimes your right is unclear. Example: Your mother asks you to shop for her but you have a homework deadline. You have a right to have time to do your homework but you also have an obligation to help in the home (your mother has a right to expect reasonable help when she is providing food and shelter and support in many other ways - especially if she works) - in such a case you have the right to negotiate and discuss the difficulty. A simple, 'No' with no explanation is likely to antagonise your mother and do your cause of getting your homework done no good. Perhaps you could swap that chore for another - maybe with a sibling (brother or sister).

Task 1 (Class or group discussion)
What do you think your personal rights are?

Look at the handout entitled, "My Rights" and discuss each point in turn to see how it relates to you and your life and your friends' lives. Be clear about their true meaning.

For example, from the statement, "I have the right to express my feelings and opinions", it is appropriate and assertive to explain how you feel about an event that has happened or to explain to your parents why you want to go against their wishes for your chosen career. You have a right to be respected for having thought something through, for feeling passionate about a life dream and for showing how you think you can achieve it.

But to express your feelings or opinions to belittle a teacher or another student in front of others is not assertion, but aggression. Here you are deliberately choosing to put someone down, to embarrass them. You have overridden their right to be respected for the purpose of increasing your own feeling of self-importance and to inflate your ego by making you look big in front of your friends. This is not assertion.

Task 2 (Optional)
Why do we have official rights such as "human rights"? What are they? (Remember, there are official bodies to uphold these - with your personal rights there is only YOU!)

Handout: My Rights (To accompany Lesson 7)

1. I have the right to state my own needs and set my own priorities.
2. I have the right to be treated as an intelligent, capable and equal human being.
3. I have the right to express my feelings and opinions.
4. I have the right to privacy, to be alone and to be independent.
5. I have the right to say, 'Yes' or, 'No' for myself.
6. I have the right to make mistakes and cope with the consequences.
7. I have the right to change my mind.
8. I have the right to say, 'I don't understand' and 'I don't know'.
9. I have the right to ask for what I want (but remember that others have the right to say, 'No').
10. I have the right to refuse responsibility for other people's problems.
11. I have the right to deal with others without being dependent on them for approval.
12. I have the right to be successful.

Stick these rights on your bedroom wall or in your file. Become familiar with your rights.
Do not forget that everyone else has these rights too.

Quote: Confucius (551-479 BC)
What you do not want done to yourself do not do to others.

Quote: Thomas Szaz (1920-)
A child becomes an adult when he realises that he has a right not only to be right but also to be wrong.

TEACHER SHEET: Rights
(To accompany Task 2, Lesson 7)

We have human rights to improve the conditions of life for all people. Despite them, people still live the lives these rules aim to prevent. For example, Amnesty International is a charity set up to help those imprisoned for their political beliefs; there are hostels to help house some of the homeless in Britain and soup kitchens to feed them one small meal a day. But there are still homeless people on our streets.

As early as 1789, The French Assembly produced the document, 'Declaration of Rights of Man and Children' which included these rights: representation in the law of the state; equality before the law; equality of opportunity; freedom from arbitrary imprisonment; freedom of speech and religion; taxation in proportion of ability to pay and security of property.

In 1946 there was added: equal right for women, the right to work, join a union and strike; the right to leisure, social security, support in old age and free education. And in 1948, the United Nations drew up a charter of civil and political rights called, 'Universal Declaration of Human Rights' which included the right to life, liberty, education, equality before the law; freedom of movement, religion, association and information, and to nationality.

Under the 'European Convention of Human Rights' of 1950, the Council of Europe established the European Commission of Human Rights (headquarters in Strasbourg, France), which investigates complaints by states or individuals and its findings are examined by the European Court of Human Rights (established in 1959) whose compulsory jurisdiction has been recognised by a number of states, including the UK.

In 1989 'The Convention on the Rights of the Child' was adopted by the United Nations General Assembly. Many other countries also adopted the rulings. It states that children have the right to a decent standard of living which means good food, clean water, a decent place to live, medical attention and to be with their family or those who will care for them best. Children have a right to free education and play, to be protected against violence and exploitation. Children should not be used as cheap labour or as child soldiers. Children should have the right to speak their own language and practise their own religion and culture, express their opinion about the future and the right to meet together to express their views.