Author

Introduction

Good friendships help us through the trials of life and provide company and entertainment. However, many people need help in either forming new friendships or in enhancing existing friendships. This may be because they are too shy, are lacking in social skills, or have other difficulties that interfere with forming satisfying and rewarding relationships. All these factors contribute to loneliness.

  Some people associate loneliness with weird people that are best avoided. This is simply not true. Everyone experiences loneliness at some time in their lives, no matter what their age or sex: it is not confined to any one group of people. It is nothing to feel ashamed about. The good thing is that loneliness does not have to be with you for life. There is something that can be done about it.

  If we were to allow loneliness to continue, we would become deeply sad and unhappy individuals. We owe it to ourselves to change our life for the better and reach out to other people, many of whom will also be experiencing loneliness.

Chapter one: Defining a friend

Friends are the spices and herbs of your life adding colour and flavour to an otherwise bland existence; they are companions that help you live your life to the full. A mix of personalities and backgrounds in your friends allows for variation in what you talk about with them, what you do with them and how you do things with them.
  Having good friends, where you have a high level of intimacy (sharing confidences and expressing feelings and opinions) is essential to being happy and emotionally healthy. The depth of your friendships or the level of intimacy that is between you and another person is more important than the actual number of friends you have.

What friendships can mean to different people
Christian's friends are people with whom he goes to football and rugby matches, watches sport on television and plays five-a-side football after work. They are also his drinking companions in the pub. With his friends he talks about work, sport, holidays and school experiences.
  Theresa's friends are shopping, cinema and clubbing companions. She also spends a great deal of time talking and listening to them. Since she has always lived in the same area she has kept up with her school friends. She found them especially helpful and supportive when her father died. When good things happen in any of the friends' lives, they all go out together to celebrate. Theresa's friendships with people at work are more casual and she only occasionally joins them for a drink at lunchtime or after work, when it is someone's birthday.
  Marjorie's friends are people she sees at church and at the Women's Institute functions. She also goes on courses with them. She gave much support to one of her friends when she had been diagnosed with cancer.
  Diane's friendships revolve around her children and she gets together with other women so that her children can play with their children. Sometimes she and her husband share their friends by having dinner parties. None of these friends are particularly close to Diane and she regrets having given up work where her friendships were based more on personality similarities rather than what ages other mums' children are.
  Phil goes to clubs with his male friends who are mainly gay like him and has long chats with female friends from work.
  From above, it is clear that friends fulfil certain functions. They are people to do things with such as play sport, go shopping or go on courses. These serve to fulfil the social role of friends. Sharing feelings, successes and disappointments through conversation and practical support serves to fulfil the emotional role of friends.
  It is more common for male friends to meet up to do things together rather than just talk, which is more common for women to do. Although men can meet up to chat in the pub it is less usual for their conversations to follow an intimate line, whereas women's conversations tend to be very intimate and can include detailed analyses of relationships with other people, especially partners. Perhaps a reason why many gay men get on so well with many women is that they share their predilection for intimate conversation and can therefore better understand women and the things that are important to them.
  Having friends is also about fitting in. Phil's male friends are mainly gay. This may be because he has been socially (rather than sexually) rejected by many heterosexual men or because he likes to be with others that are like him to give him a sense of belonging. Of course, you can feel that you belong while celebrating your differences but for this to work you need to rely on other people embracing those differences and accepting you for yourself. (See Chapter Seven for help on dealing with prejudices and stereotypes.)
  Some friendships are born, and survive, through a need for convenience. Marjorie's friends at the Women's Institute, for example, have time on their hands and need to find other people who have time on their hands. But they also have other things in common – they have all retired, are of a similar age and have few family commitments.
  People that live in a RAF camp, for example, can conveniently socialize with others that live on the camp – indeed, there are often social clubs on site to encourage socializing between residents. You might have a set of 'ready made' friends including you in whatever goes on just because you are there. The physical proximity between you and the other people, and the frequency of meeting, can provide you with the opportunity to develop very intimate lifelong friendships.
  New mothers at home with babies often find it convenient to get together with other new mothers as friends from work or school are usually employed in the daytime; they can also share concerns about childcare and exchange information.
  Friends also serve a function to fulfil more than just your immediate needs. For example, Diane's friends are mainly those with children so that her own children have others to play with on a regular basis.
  Sometimes friendships can develop because of the need to live harmoniously, such as when living in an army camp. You would need to be very careful about making disparaging remarks about other people from the camp since it may get back to them. Also, having favourites and making it clear you have favourites may mean someone feels excluded and this could build resentment and hurt which may not be a good idea in such a cliquey environment.

The length of friendships
Some friendships once made, are made for life. If some common intense experience, for example, brought you close to someone else you might feel forever bound to that person regardless of the passing of the years or the physical distance that exists between you.
  You might, for example, have both been refugees living at the same camp, transported to the same host country and given work with the same employer. This common experience may have made it important for you both to keep in touch throughout your lives, no matter where you finally settled. Or perhaps a stranger had saved the life of your only child and you feel forever indebted to that person, determined to make a lifelong relationship with him. Or you might both have been in the same rail accident and suffered similar injuries, or your experiences at boarding school may have welded you to a friend who shared your dormitory.
  Other life friendships can exist because you went to school in the same area that you continue live in for the rest of your life, so that there is no need to make new friends, or at least break with the old ones.
  Some friendships last for long periods, but not a lifetime. For example, if you made friends in an area in which you lived for ten years you may, on moving on, devote your energies to making new friends. Or you may have made friends through work but on changing jobs find there is not the motivation to continue the old friendships.
  Some friendships last a very short time. If you are on, for example, a five-day course, you may find you have paired up with another person or have formed a group of friends that help each other with the assignments and share lunch and dinner breaks. But when the course ends you all go your separate ways without any firm commitment of meeting up again.

Social networks
Any friends that you have make up your social network. To map out your own social network, get a large sheet of paper and draw a small circle in the centre that represents you. Then draw circles on the page around you to represent your school friends (put their initials in the centre). Connect their circles to yours using straight lines. If they socialize with each other as well, connect their circles too. Then add circles to represent friends you might have from work and indicate whether they socialize by making further connections.
  Similarly, draw in friends that socialize with you but no one else from your social network (I call them isolates). They should have only one line joining them to you.
  At a glance, you can now see how many friends you have. You will also see that those friends that socialize with other friends of yours form a clique. You might have one clique in your social network comprising of school friends, and another compromising work friends. Or it may be that you have changed jobs and have cliques from different workplaces.
  The advantage of a clique is that when something goes wrong in your life and you tell one of the members of that clique, they will all support you, especially if it is to do with something that they can all understand such as a problem at work.
  One disadvantage of a clique is that if there is something very private you only want one other person to know, it is unlikely to be kept confidential. The temptation to tell another clique member might be too great, especially if it is a close-knit clique that meets frequently: soon all might know. Another disadvantage of a close-knit clique is that skills and knowledge within the group may be very similar (such as a lawyer having only friends connected through legal work): having a loose social network allows for larger variation in friends who are a part of other social networks. This gives a greater possibility of having a friend who knows someone with expertise in other areas should you need it.
  With a looser clique there is less intimacy such as with old school friends that don't often meet up, or with a group of you that are all new to the same place of work and there is the possibility for pairs of very close friends (or 'triplets' of very close friends) within that loose clique without necessarily compromising a need for confidentiality with the rest of the clique.
  The advantage of having some friends that are isolates (not socializing with anyone else that knows you) means that whatever you tell is likely to be kept confidential as even if one of these friends does divulge what you say to someone else, it is not going to get back to the others in your social network. This type of friendship is great for those of you that have trouble in disclosing (see Chapter Five). If you have several isolates as friends, you can even disclose different things to different people to get support you need without anyone knowing the whole you (although you should try to aim for that with the most special person in your life).
  To get the best of all types of friendship, try to have a mix of close-knit and loose cliques and isolates.

Social dissatisfaction
We all have our own desires for what we need in the way of friends. What might constitute a satisfying social network for one person may not for another: if you feel that you must have a high number of friends, it is harder to be satisfied.
  If you feel the need for more friends, add circles to your social network in a different colour to represent people you only know vaguely such as neighbours and people you know to say hello to (at your evening class, for example). Then decide which ones you will try to engage in deeper conversation to determine whether you like each other and whether both of you would want to increase the frequency and intimacy of your social contact. It is often easier to make new friends this way than to pick a complete stranger.
  Try to acknowledge that if you do have a fair number of friends, you don't necessarily need more to make you less lonely (and if you think you do, do you realistically have the time to keep them going at the same level while making new friends?). It might be more intimacy that you need. Or it might be that you want one special person with whom to share your life. In identifying where there is a genuine emotional need in yourself you are more likely to be able to achieve your personal goal of a satisfying social network.

Making new friends
New friends can be made anywhere. Here are some of the places I've made friends: in school, in university, in hospital, in a soft play area in a leisure centre where I took my daughter, in my local gym, in my husband's workplace, in my workplaces in my role as a houseparent and in my role as a teacher, in the area in which I live (it is a college campus), and in my house when I have had someone help me with either childcare or cleaning. I have also made friends with parents of my daughter's friends and from someone I have contacted through the contacts page in a specialist magazine.
  When I am out I enjoy chatting to taxi drivers, people that sit with me in waiting rooms or on a train, people in supermarkets and people I meet when I walk around the campus of where I live. I am happy to say that my friends have little in common other than my liking and respecting them. They do not all share the same backgrounds, education, culture, or marital or employment status - but they do all share a love of humour.
  Everywhere you go there is potential for social interaction, and without socially interacting with others you will never know whether there is also potential for friendship. If, however, you find it hard to break into prolonged conversation with strangers, try to meet people in an environment where you have something in common and where you are likely to be with that person for a lengthier time than when passing someone in the street.
  You could join an evening class (either for instruction in a particular skill or for keeping fit) or a rambling group or you could do voluntary work such as helping out in your religious community, a charity shop or becoming involved in conservation. You could attend a concert or go to the theatre and chat to the person sitting next to you. You could go to art galleries or museums and discuss what you see with someone else that is looking interested. If you have a young child you could go to the local park and talk to other parents of young children.
  When you meet someone new you have no idea whether that person will ever become a friend or whether you have anything in common. By making a rough exploration of each other's background such as education, hobbies, work and family you get to know whether you do have things in common. If you have and you both enjoyed this first meeting and feel that there is something in the other person that you would like to know more about, the relationship might continue to a second and then subsequent meetings.
  If the first meeting held no warmth or empathetic feelings, friendship is unlikely as you would not be motivated to meet again. Another preventative factor may be the distance involved between your respective homes. It may not be feasible to travel great distances in order to see each other when there is little emotional commitment.
  If you do meet up again by design, or accident, and get on well, you will arrange subsequent meetings to find out more about each other. This period determines whether you will become close and firm friends, casual friends that meet up only occasionally or whether the burgeoning relationship dies altogether.
  Some friendships are light and casual and will not progress to intimacy: this might be because neither party is prepared to confide in the other or because they have problems expressing their feelings and opinions and so prevent the other getting to know them closely. Or it might be because one of you has divulged something that makes the other feel uneasy or disapproving. Or it might be that the other person broke your confidence and you no longer trust him.
  In any of these examples you, and your potential friend, both need to choose whether to continue the relationship at that level or to put an end to the friendship. If the friendship continues, it doesn't always mean it will never move on to intimacy. But until the worrying thing is resolved or the person is tested with another confidence and pulls through, it is unlikely.
  In friendships that do progress to intimacy both parties have high disclosures (where they confide deep emotions and disturbing events) and very much trust each other (see Chapter Five). If you are afraid of confiding and having your trust broken you can minimize the risks by starting new relationships very slowly and taking each progressive step carefully. You can test the water by telling the other person tiny confidences about yourself and wait to see if that makes a difference to how he views you and whether these confidences are broken by them being told to other people.
  When you are sure of the ground and the other person has shared confidences back, you may then feel able to go a little deeper. The progression of the relationship can be halted at any time and stabilise. It can even go backwards where there is less frequent contact and less sharing of confidences. However, if you do this with all your relationships, you won't find them particularly rewarding nor will you get much emotional support and others will see you as distant and uninvolved.

Chapter two: What is loneliness?

Loneliness is unhappy solitude: being socially apart from other people at a time when we want to feel included and feeling emotionally isolated, having no one with whom to share our inner thoughts, fears and dreams. It is possible to be lonely even if we are surrounded by people.
  Loneliness is an important life issue to tackle. People that are lonely have poorer physical health. It is well known that sick people recover more quickly when they have someone to care for and care about them (even if it is a pet).
  Being lonely and not having satisfactory relationships also adversely affects our mental health. It damages our self-esteem (the way we think and feel about ourselves), our self-confidence (we may give up trying to make friends or relate to others believing that there is no point as it never works out), and it can be the cause of depression. Feeling lonely together with the experience of social isolation can make existing depression worse. Having someone to talk to, to share the ups and downs of our day and to have fun with is vitally important to feeling included and valued.

Types of loneliness
Emotional loneliness is about not having satisfying intimate friendships: not having someone to care about you or listen to your troubles. (Or it may be that you are looking for someone special with whom to share your life.) An emotionally lonely person may have a few friends, but the friendships are lacking in some way: perhaps feelings aren't shared or understood. When this happens you can feel empty, abandoned, worried and frightened.
  Social loneliness is when you don't have friends to do things with or be with and you feel bored and marginalized, not being involved in what's going on. If, for example, you move to a new area or work shifts or work unsociable hours you may feel socially isolated.
  Some people socially isolate themselves because they have too many rules about with whom they should mix. For example, if you believe that you should only talk to people of the same race, culture, religion, sexual orientation, class etc. as you then you are limiting the number of possible social contacts you can make. You limit them further by avoiding people with disabilities, that don't look attractive, who aren't popular, are too old, too young, too thin, too fat... Ask yourself if you have done this and, if so, ask yourself why you have written these people off as possible friends and if your reasons are valid. How would you feel if someone told you that you didn't fit into her ideas of the type of person she should befriend?
  Loneliness can be acute and temporary such as when a young person starts university and doesn't know anyone else: it takes time to get to know people and make new friends. (See below and Chapter Nine.)
  Loneliness can be long-term and is more of a problem since a chronically lonely person is unhappy for a protracted period of time increasing the risk of depression and suicide.
  Long-term loneliness prevents us from going out and doing positive things with our lives. We are more likely to remain at home doing something passive like reading, watching television, playing on the computer, spending time on the Internet and sleeping more than we need. We might turn to shopping, eating, alcohol or drugs to dull the emotional pain of loneliness and to help us sleep.
  Some people try to prove to themselves and others that they are 'doing all right' by becoming very busy. This might be with hobbies, exercise or voluntary work. Or they may become workaholics. They may try to assuage their loneliness by joining chat rooms. (Also see Loneliness in Chapter Three.)

The individuality of loneliness
Everyone's threshold for feeling lonely, and the circumstances in which they feel lonely, is different and individual to them. In the following scenarios, can you tell which people are lonely? Harold is an elderly bachelor who has lived alone all his adult life. May is an attractive fun-loving eighteen-year-old girl at university for the first time. Aran is in his thirties, is married with children and has been in the same job for the past seven years. Preeti is forty, childless, and has just separated from her husband. Sean is twenty-five and has just moved into his first place having lived at home with his eight brothers and sisters all his life.

  All of the above people could be lonely. However, although Harold is lonely he copes very well with his solitude as he has lived with it for so long whereas May feels excruciatingly lonely and does not know how to deal with it. Aran, you might think, oughtn't to be lonely as he has so much in his life, but he is. He feels that intimacy is missing in both his marriage and with his friends.
  Although Preeti feels devastated that her marriage has failed and that she now lives alone, she is actually relieved to be spared living with someone that was causing her loneliness as her husband's presence prevented her from meeting new people and moving on.
  Despite living on his own after a life surrounded by so many siblings, Sean is thankful to have his own private and peaceful space. Sacrificing familial company was the price Sean had to pay for his longed for independence, but he fills the void with his friends and by living his life how he wants to.
  It isn't possible to label someone as lonely just by looking at his or her life. Although all of the above people have some sort of loneliness, it is only a big problem to May and Aran. The others are coping well with their lives and, apart from Harold, are confident that their loneliness is only temporary.
  Variations in loneliness. How we perceive our needs for assuaging loneliness can vary over time. There may be periods in our life when we are quite satisfied with what we have until something happens that increases our need for intimacy such as bereavement, the loss of a job or another disappointment.
  If, however, things are going well for us, we might not be prepared to make the time to maintain the intimacy of the relationships we do have, as we are so taken up with our own immediate lives. For example, if you are involved with a large project at work and the time you use overspills into your private life, you may so enjoy the challenge of creating or developing something new that you find it a nuisance to have to make time to see people.
  The way you feel about yourself can also vary. Some days you might feel quite confident and happy with yourself and so not feel as great a need for social contact as the days when you are feeling less worthy and less assured of yourself.
  Sometimes it is the days of the week that can make you feel lonely. If you are at work, weekdays may be quite sociable so when the weekend arrives you might feel lonely, especially if you live alone. If you are a parent at home with a young child you may feel less lonely on the weekends when you have your partner to share your days.
  Young single people can feel much lonelier on the weekends not necessarily because they are on their own more than in the week, but because they imagine everyone else their age has a better social life on the weekends than they do. For example, staying in on a Friday or Saturday night is more painful to them than staying in on a weekday.
  When you take annual leave you might feel lonelier if you have to go on holiday on your own or spend it in solitude at home, preferring the social contact of the workplace.
  Enjoying solitude. If you spend several hours alone each day you may feel terribly lonely, but someone else in the same circumstances may not be lonely at all. Some people feel they are lonely when even spending short periods of time on their own, having a high need for interaction with other people and believing that if they are not with someone all the time, they must be lonely.
  But some people enjoy being by themselves and need more time alone than other people. Indeed, they can become stressed if they don't get sufficient time to themselves. This might be a personality trait or it might be for other reasons, some of which are given below.
  Some professions demand that a great deal of time is spent alone as this is necessary to get the work done. For example, if a writer or artist is continually interrupted he is prevented from being immersed in his subject and the creative train of thought is broken; and religious people need time to reflect on their lives and to pray.
  With some medical conditions, such as Asperger Syndrome on the autism spectrum, people will become stressed if they cannot be by themselves for a good part of their day, or when they feel the need to be alone.
  Some only children may have become used to a quiet home atmosphere and have learnt to amuse themselves – and so find it daunting when in enforced and prolonged company of others; they may be relieved to be alone again.
  So being alone does not always mean that someone is lonely. Our individual needs dictate whether we are lonely and, like with the differing number of friends different people need to satisfy them, the length of time socializing to satisfy them also differs.
  However, friendship skills are good for everyone to learn, even the naturally solitary. There may come a time when you want to increase your social contact – or you may be required to work in a team in your occupation. It is also essential to have the skills to get on with people, to not give offence: even to tell them that you need more time to yourself.