Extract of How to be a People Person

Chapter one: You 

Before you address the question of how you should relate to others, which is covered in later chapters, you need to know and understand more about yourself so that you know what you are looking for in a relationship and what you have to offer. This is vital in understanding how relationships work: they are not one-sided and both participants need to gain something otherwise the relationship will stagnate or disintegrate.

Who are you?
There are many facets to your personality that make up you, which is why you are unique; no one else has exactly the same match with all the different combinations of likes and dislikes and personality traits. Consider the following questions and write down your answers. As well as helping you to understand yourself, some of the information you note can form the basis of early conversations with people you meet.  What do you do for a living? How do you spend your free time? What things do you avoid altogether or put off to the last moment? What things did you enjoy in school? What things did you dislike? What things were good about your upbringing? What things were bad? What animals, foods, clothes, colours, plants, books, music, films do you like and dislike? How would you spend an ideal day or evening? Where would you like to go on holiday? Where have you been on holiday? What things frighten you or make you laugh? Who do you most like and most dislike to be with? Why? What values and beliefs do you hold? What do you want out of life, what are your ambitions and dreams?

  Part of who you are is to do with your personality and your answers to the questions below may indicate whether you need to try to address underlying problems with the way you react to things or feel about things, as these can hamper your relationships.
  What are your negative qualities? Do you easily get angry or violent? Are you insensitive, impatient, rude or aggressive?
  What are your positive qualities? Are you considerate, kind, caring, funny or energetic?
  How do you react to negative life events? Do you completely break down and become unable to cope or do you rise to the challenge and never give up until you're through the worst? Do you seek help or do you bottle up your problems? Do you lash out when things go wrong? Do you try to see the positive side to everything?
  How do you react to positive life events? For example, when a friend tells you she is going to get married, do you under-react and give a few tepid words of congratulation; or do you go over the top and immediately drag her into a bar to celebrate? Do you jump and shout and scream when you've achieved something major or do you quietly tell your closest friend?
  What qualities do you look for in a friend? Some suggestions are: being kind, caring, understanding, loyal, trustworthy, honest and sympathetic; accepting personal faults; having a good sense of humour; being someone to be silly and have fun with; being able to keep secrets and not gossip.
  What qualities do you look for in a life partner? Many of these will probably be the same as for a friend, but there may be additions such as: being affectionate, faithful and non-violent; being a caring and considerate sexual partner; not embarrassing you in front of others or making you feel small; having a love of children (if you want children or already have them); being able to communicate feelings and talk problems through in an open way, and allowing you to have a life of your own without controlling you.
  What qualities have you to offer? If you expect certain qualities in others, it is only fair that you are able, or strive, to offer the same qualities. Some suggestions not already used are:  I am a good listener. I take responsibility for the things I say and do. I do not always expect others to be able to do the things I can do: I understand we are all different and have different strengths and weaknesses. I am understanding of my, and others', failings. I know my limitations and do not pretend to be something I am not. I understand how my past affects my current relationships and am wary of repeating damaging influences with others. I am aware of shutting people out when they have hurt me so try to explain why I feel the way I do and why I have acted in such a way when I want the relationship to survive. I am able to say sorry when I have made a mistake or have unintentionally hurt someone. I am sensitive to other cultures, religions and social classes and do not purport to be 'favoured' or superior, or inferior, to others because of these differences. I can communicate my thoughts and feelings well and am prepared to disclose at appropriate levels. I am very sensitive to others in emotional pain and can comfort them with words and by physical touch. I know the importance of keeping confidences. I can read others' body language and facial expressions so understand the complete picture of what they are trying to say and so I can respond appropriately. I try to be non-judgemental in my dealings with others but know on which areas I fail to do this and why, and so know when to keep quiet to avoid conflict. I try to avoid conflict by finding something on which to compromise. I try to accept others as they are without trying to change them or feeling the need to. I stick up for others and myself when I think something unjustified has been done or said. I am aware when I feel my anger getting out of control so I can take steps to avoid a painful confrontation before I say or do things I know I will later regret.

  What qualities would you like to offer that you don't already have? For example: patience and tolerance. What could you do to try to achieve these? A suggestion might be to remind yourself that not everyone works at your speed and that they may need more time, or that they may not feel their time is as pressed as yours.
  How good a friend are you? Are you prepared to listen when your friends have something to tell? Are you able to offer what your friends need when they are in trouble? For example: practical guidance or advice, practical help, sympathy, comfort, continued support rather than a one-off effort, confidence-boosting words to make them feel better about themselves, reassurance, understanding, non-judgemental comments and respect.
  How do you think others see you? Think about the things people have told you and the messages you have received from the way they behave towards you. For example, if they think you are miserable, they will keep telling you to cheer up; if they think you are boring, they will yawn in your presence and not pay attention to what you have to say. Try to create a column of positive things people think about you and a column of negative things people think about you. Then ask yourself what you can do to make people see you in a more positive light. For example, if they think you are selfish, what can you do to change your behaviour to show that you are not selfish? This does not mean turning yourself into a doormat, but occasionally putting your needs aside when you see that someone else is in genuine difficulty.

Personal confidence 
It is extremely hard to start new relationships when you have zero, or close to zero, personal confidence. Having a lack of confidence prevents you from approaching another person and initiating conversation, or giving full and relaxed responses to someone who approaches you, as you may believe this person could not possibly be interested in what you might have to say. Yet people do not have deep and involved conversations on their first meeting: they talk about neutral subjects such as their surroundings, the weather and the number of trains that get cancelled on the line on which they travel; you don't have to say anything scintillating.
  So, before you can improve your skills when dealing with other people (and this in itself will give you confidence) you need to first change your attitude about yourself.
  Liking yourself. Go back to the list you made about the personal qualities you'd like to offer but don't already have. Put an asterisk against things you can change and write down how you can change them. Then you can work at changing yourself so that you become more likeable to yourself and other people. Try to accept the things you genuinely can't change: they are a part of you.
  Loving yourself. Loving is being very sure that you are a great person and accepting yourself entirely, including your faults. You know that you are not useless or unworthy because of some minor faults or even a major one if the reason for it is understandable under the circumstances. When loving yourself, you see yourself as a whole person that has done the best with your personality and the pitfalls of life that have come your way.
  Increasing your personal confidence. Keeping fit helps you to feel confident about yourself and your body. When you feel good you are more likely to be receptive to others and be pleased to socialise with them. Also, it will help you keep an erect posture as your muscles will be strengthened. If you look confident, you will feel confident and others will believe you are confident, whether or not this is the case.
  Get used to socialising with others and chatting to complete strangers: it will feel natural with practice. A good starting place is talking to others in queues, in waiting rooms, at bus stops, at parties and so on – where you can easily talk to someone without it necessarily leading to anything else (such as a business or romantic relationship) so that it is pressure free. You could make a comment on something you have both just seen or on the lateness of the bus. Or you could ask a question such as, 'Have I missed the 5.15 train to…?' or, 'Would you mind saving my seat for me while I go to the toilet?' or, 'How long have you been waiting? Are you next?' or, 'Could you tell me the time, please?' or, 'Do you have change for…?'
  Increasing your self-esteem. Try to smooth out the dips in your self-esteem by reminding yourself at vulnerable moments of all the positive qualities you have. Remind yourself of the people who love you or have affection for you and those that enjoy your company. Remind yourself of the times you have been proud of yourself for having achieved something that was hard for you.
  One enormous way of boosting your self-esteem is in improving the relationships you have and in making new ones. Friendships can be wonderful for improving your mental health and are one of the most rewarding things in the world when they go right: think of the ultimate friendship as falling in love with someone and having that love returned. If this has happened to you, you know how wonderful and good about yourself that makes you feel.

 
Friends and friendships
Friends are people you like, care about and respect, and are usually not part of your family – although partners can be good friends, the relationship is different and has more to bind the two people together than an ordinary friendship.
  Friends are people with whom you have something in common including: temperament - you might both be party animals or desperately shy, for example; being a parent; enjoying going to discos; working at the same place; being from the same minority group or sharing similar life experiences. And they are people to do things with such as play sport, go shopping or see a film. Having things in common and doing things with a friend binds you together to give you a sense of belonging, which is important because you can both talk about the things that interest you without risk of boring the other person.
  As well as it being risky to rely heavily on one person (in case something should happen to upset the balance of the relationship and it fails, or if the person leaves the area or dies, for example), one friend should not be expected to fulfil all your needs. You may need several people to fulfil all of them, as each person will have different strengths and weaknesses, just like you will fulfil a different need in each of your friends. In doing this, you complement one another and fit like jigsaw pieces. For example, one of your friends may be great fun to be with and will fulfil your need to have a good time. Another may be a good listener and will fulfil your need to share your burdens with a sympathetic person and a third may be practical and serious and may be helpful in finding solutions over problems you might have.
  As well as different friends fulfilling different needs, your friendships will have a varying level of intimacy: some you may barely know at all but maintain the relationship for convenience such as having children the same age that play together, or needing someone with whom to play squash or have lunch when you are at work. All of these relationships fit into your life like a jigsaw; some pieces are larger than others and you spend more time with those people. The smaller pieces keep your world ticking over and complete the puzzle making you feel whole and satisfied.
  Of course, not everyone is in the happy position of having his jigsaw puzzle complete. By following the advice and information in this book you can change your smaller jigsaw pieces into bigger ones, and find some new pieces, big and small. It may be that you will never have a complete puzzle because you or your partner has to regularly move from one area to another through work; but if you are continually on the lookout for new opportunities to speak to people and are open to new relationships it will certainly help to fill any gaps that have become available.
  Friendships and self-esteem. Generally, people have friends at the same educational level and from comparable backgrounds because they feel more comfortable with others that are similar to themselves. For example, if you are extremely slow at picking up new skills, did not do well at school and feel useless at sports, you are likely to feel uncomfortable if you spend a great deal of time with people that have been academically successful, are in high powered jobs and are very competitive in sports. Spending much time with people to whom you feel you are subordinate can lower your self-esteem and make you dissatisfied with your lot.
  However, this does not mean you should be deliberately narrow in your choice of friends, discounting people because they don't fit your rigid criteria. If you enjoy a person's company and he makes you feel good, he can make an excellent friend and any background differences may be unimportant.

Friendship rules 

Give support by commiserating with your friend when things go wrong and listening to him when he has something to confide. Be understanding and sympathetic.

Give help in times of need. This can be either practical or informational help, or emotional support.

Show care by asking after your friend's health, reassuring her when she has doubts, giving feedback on how you feel about her and what things you like about her, and show affection. In men, this could be by teasing or patting your friend's shoulder. In women, it could be by kissing and hugging on meeting.

Show respect by accepting that your friend is an individual and does not have to be exactly like you, and by being non-judgemental.

Be loyal by sticking up for your friend in his absence.

Be faithful by remaining that person's friend all the time – not just when it suits you. This also means you can be relied upon in times of need.

Share your life by talking about things that are important to you, by saying how you feel about things, by celebrating successes, having fun and doing things together.

Things you must not do are: Show jealousy if your friend spends time with other friends or gets a partner Embarrass your friend in public Gossip about your friend Tell others about your friend's confidences Lie Steal Sleep with your friend's partner.